Federal Study Finds Accord on Warming

From this morning's NY Times:

Published: May 3, 2006

A scientific study commissioned by the Bush administration concluded yesterday that the lower atmosphere was indeed growing warmer and that there was "clear evidence of human influences on the climate system."

The finding eliminates a significant area of uncertainty in the debate over global warming, one that the administration has long cited as a rationale for proceeding cautiously on what it says would be costly limits on emissions of heat-trapping gases.

The full story is here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/03/science/03climate.html?ex=1304308800&en=cceeb376fd01312e&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&emc=rss

But, White House officials were quick to specify that the mechanism by which warming is occurring has nothing at all to do with greenhouse gasses and pollution. A senior Christian science advisor explained "As we all know, the signs of the end are ever increasing. Just below the surface of the earth, making way for billions of sinners, Satan is expanding Hell, and heating it to seven times hotter than any fire that burns at the earth's surface. This is to prepare for God's final judgment, as described in Revelations. Because Hell is just below the surface of the earth, the increased size and heat are heating the ground, causing the lower atmosphere and the oceans to get hotter as well. The presence of all that fire and brimstone is causing glaciers to melt."

The unidentified senior advisor concluded "Because of this, the administration is proposing that non-sinners be given $100 each so that they can have their air conditioners upgraded to combat the effects of Satan's work in their own homes and cars. A federal panel will be named to determine who the non-sinners are." It is expected that the newly formed JUDGE (Justice UnDer God on Earth) will also play a role in final judgment, which has been scheduled for Marti Gras in the year 2012.